Boobery

By Kyence

Disclaimer: Voltron and related characters property of World Events Productions.

“Cossack...”

“Uh, your majesty, I...”

“I...am going...to kill you...”

Cossack took a few steps back, stuttering all the while. He cringed, recoiling, fear evident in his eyes. His foolishness would really cost him this time.

“I...I...”

“What were you thinking?!”

Cossack looked to where Zarkon was gesturing...his right hand. Holding Hagar’s magic staff. Oops. Cossack dropped the staff on the floor, taking a couple of steps back.

He shifted his feet. “Well, I guess I was a little bored, and...”

“And you decided to practice some batonning, huh? I don’t believe that’s part of the Doom commander criteria, but, then again, you are hardly a ...”

Zarkon paused as he saw Cossack blushing, and not just because of the most recent insult. He pointed fiercely at his would-be commander.

“You...had BETTER not be that shade because of me...”

“Oh...of course not, Your Majesty...uh, just hold on and I’ll get Hagar...” Cossack turned around and headed for the doorway.

Zarkon turned around quickly. The movement prompted him to reflexively cross his arms, rubbing them.

“Wait!”

Cossack stopped, and turned to the side. He forced himself to meet the eyes of his monarch.

“Y..yes, Your Majesty?” his voice quivered.

Zarkon stared into space.

Could I face her like this? Can I face anyone like this?

He quickly ceased the brood to find Cossack staring at him in a most disconcerting way.

“You...” Zarkon snarled as he advanced at the cringing Cossack, who began to whimper like a child.

“Hey, Cossack! I thought I had told you to retrieve Hagar from her lab, and immediately...but that was at least twenty minutes ago! How hard is it for you to follow a simple order, you toad?!!!”

Prince Lotor was not in the mood for his underling’s usual boobery. However, the sight he was greeted with upon entering the lab was far from the norm. Cossack was in a headlock, whining like a child about to be disciplined. As he surveyed the situation, a crooked smile flashing his pearly white teeth spread across his face. His amber eyes sported an impish gleam.

“Well, well, well, Cossack...you devil, you...”

Zarkon quickly released Cossack from his death grip, who desperately tried to straighten his neck. He turned and faced his son.

“This, this isn’t what it looks like...” Zarkon said, his voice raising slightly at the end as he shook his hands.

“Uh-huh,” Lotor said, with a patronizing tone. With quick scrutiny, his eyes traced from head to toe, but Zarkon noticed, nonetheless.

“Really, now, you shouldn’t waste your energy on someone like Cossack,” Lotor winked.

Zarkon shuddered from the innards of his soul to the surface of his skin. It was all he could do to not strangle his clueless son. But, a flicker of clarity reminded him that Lotor was not the person to be the target of his rage. Lotor quietly laughed at the visible agitation, though not in a necessarily malicious manner.

“Cossack!”

“Yes, Prince Lotor!” He stood straight and stoic.

“Find Hagar at once!” he ordered as he left the laboratory.

Cossack sighed and addressed Zarkon, “Do you want me to find Hagar?”

Zarkon sighed in return, a weary display of exasperation. “Obviously. Send her to my quarters at once...”

Suddenly, a piercing pain as though he had been stabbed in the gut triggered his senses. He clutched his abdomen, and his strong posture slowly became one of someone doubled over in agony.

“Your Majesty!” Cossack rushed over to help the ruler of all things evil.

Zarkon held his arm out with a gesture that warned Cossack to stay away or he’d lose an appendage.

“You’ve done enough treason for one day, cretin!!!”

“Shall I summon the royal physician?”

His answer was an incredulous look that expressed more than words ever could.

“O..okay...I will...get Hagar...now...but what about Lotor?”

Zarkon stomped toward Cossack. “Exactly WHO is the king, here?” Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he snarled. Cossack cracked a smile, but His Majesty’s sour look killed it quick enough. Zarkon groaned, squinting as he grit his teeth.

“Just get Hagar...I don’t feel so good...”

With that, Cossack ran out of the lab, nearly tripping over his cape.

“Zarkon?”

“Y..yes...Hagar...you...recognize me?” he moaned.

Hagar approached Zarkon’s bed.

“Cossack filled me in on the situation.”

“Did he tell you how he was twirling that stick of yours, creating a lazer show?!”

She grunted. “No, he didn’t,” she spat in disgust.

Zarkon turned on his side to see Hagar.

“I am so glad you’re here...” he whispered.

A blind man could’ve seen her smile; it was nice to be needed by the one you loved.

“...I am having such horrible cramps...”

Hagar burst out laughing.

“It’s NOT funny!!”

“Oh...oh yes, it is...”

Zarkon roared as he shouted, “IT IS NOT FUNNY!” He then curled back into bed.

“Why does nothing ever go my way? Huh? Why?” he whined. He pushed his chest up with his arms. He stared at his pillow for a few moments. Then proceeded to punch it furiously.

“Why why, why!!!” He repeated over and over as his knuckled dented his soft pillow.

Hagar was on her knees at this point. She was sure she was going to rupture something, she was laughing so hard.

This will be a tale for the ages.

Regaining enough composure to stand, though giggles escaped her now and then, Hagar cleared her throat.

“Well, if you would be quiet for a moment...”

“Excuse me?” Zarkon glared at her. “You are telling me to be quiet?! Who the HELL are YOU to tell ME what to do?!!” he screamed, pointing at Hagar, then at himself.

Hagar merely blinked. Empathy was on her side, but, of course, she was a witch, first and foremost.

“I really must commend Cossack on this. He may have some hidden ability I can exploit...”

“Not in MY empire is that guy gonna do any type of magic. I don’t even want him learning card tricks or pulling mini-robeasts out of a hat!” Zarkon snarled out.

He then grimaced as the pain overtook him. He couldn’t fathom it. He’d had sword wounds, gunshot wounds, broken bones, torn muscles, whipping scars, yet he was NEVER incapacitated like this. It was such a weird feeling, and one he planned on forgetting once Hagar removed the spell. He sank back onto his bed. He reached over to the right table that bordered it to finish the exotic, dark dessert he’d ordered on impulse. From the large amount he still had left to finish, if one saw what he’d already consumed, they’d estimate it to be the entire castle’s stock of it.

“Wow...” Hagar whispered with awe.

“Look...” Zarkon said between bites, “...just reverse this before it gets even worse.”

“Of course I will...I have to consult the spirits first, though...”

Hagar turned to to her crystal ball she had brought in expectingly, and began chanting. It was a low chord of a lost language of runes. She moved her hands and arms in a mystical, hypnotic rhythm. The crystal ball glowed and swirled with the hues of spirits willing to aid her.

“What are they saying?” Zarkon inquired.

They’re laughing. Even the dead Spirits of the Cosmos think this is funny.

“Not much, yet...” Hagar chose to reply.

Great Spirits, will none of you aid my King in returning to his normal form?

Why? I think Zarkon looks better this way.

I agree. It makes him look younger, too. Takes at least 30 years off.

But you don’t have to live with him, and I do.

And whose fault is that?

Got ya there.

“Well?”

“We’re still negotiating...”

“Negotiating?! What do they want?!”

Zarkon is willing to give you whatever you desire.

A pony.

A pair of sunglasses.

A pony? Sunglasses? What kinds of proposals are these?!

I dunno; I always wanted one. Figure it’s worth a shot.

It’s bright up here!

“They want sunglasses and a pony...”

Zarkon was dumbfounded for a few moments. Then, he began to laugh. Hysterically. Then came the tears of despair.

Okay, Hagar, we’re ready to help.

Yeah.

Really? Why the sudden change?

We just wanted to see Zarkon heaving, that’s all.

Hagar’s spell had taken a lot out of her, and even more out of Zarkon, but, at least he was back to his old self again.

The next morning, Zarkon approached Hagar as she waorked in her lab on the next robeast to take on Voltron.

“You didn’t tell anyone, did you?”

Hagar smiled. “I did not, King Zarkon.”

He sighed happily. “It’s so nice to hear ‘King Zarkon.’”

“So, where’s the Drule Houdini, now?” inquired Hagar.

Zarkon averted his gaze. “Oh, let’s just say he’s getting an overdose of his own medicine...”

“AHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

The guards were motionless spectators. A female robeast ran past them. At least half a dozen males were in close pursuit.

“Hmmph,” said one guard matter-of-factly.

“Must be in heat...”