Reyk: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the first edition of “Reyk’s Retro Reel Review.” I’ll be taking a hiatus from my busy schedule once in a while, and present to you reviews of movies that have been out for quite a while. Why should new movies get all the attention, right? And besides, me being a time-seeing dragon an’ all, it gives me a chance to exercise my talent on one of my favorite hobbies: studying the human entertainment industry of the 20th and 21st centuries! My partner in the show is the one and, thank Omnipotence, the only...Zarkon!

Zarkon: (picks up head from desk) Where...where am I?

Reyk: Well, I see the roofies have worn off!

Zarkon: (gasps) Oh, God no! I’m not on your dumb show am I? I told Shai I wasn’t gonna...

Reyk: Well, we’re on camera now, so, just put on a facade like you always do...

(flashes a bright smile at him full of sarcasm)
(Zarkon smirks.)

Reyk: That’s...uhhmm...better...now, for our first review...this is a classic children’s tale that had the youth of a country called America screaming in joy and care. No, I’m not talking about Pokemon and Digimon; this precedes them all. I’m talking about “Care Bears: The Next Generation.”

Zarkon: Just for the record, everyone, the dragon held me down and taped my eyelids open! I did NOT watch this out of my own free will!

Reyk: Man, did you SQUIRM! Anyway, the movie discussed the origins of the Care Bears, and how they were being sought after by an evil being called ‘Dark Heart.’ They evade him for years, and form a home in the clouds, and watch over the people. When any of the people they see need help in compassion...

Zarkon: They go down and shoot them with lazers from their stomachs, brainwashing them into doing “happy” things!

(makes a gunslinger gesture with his hands)

Reyk: They don’t brainwash them...

Zarkon: You say catsup, I say ketchup; you say coerce, I say brainwash...psh,semantics...

Reyk: The day of reckoning takes place at a summer camp.

Zarkon: This Dark Ventricle...

Reyk: It’s Dark “Heart”, Zarkon...

Zarkon: Whatever...anyway, this evil being chooses to extort this vulnerable girl, making her all athletic while having her give all the dirty, juicy tidbits about the Care Bears...

Reyk: Not exactly...

Zarkon: But, the thing that REALLY stunk about this movie is that the chick got all guilty, and butts in at the worst time during the climactic battle, and she gets turned into a crystal thing.

Reyk:...

Zarkon: Dark Heart starts whining, “Ahhh, wahhh, oh no, what have I done! Boo hoo hoo...AND THEN the Cancer Bears...

Reyk: It’s “Care Bears...” I can tell you were watching, but were you listening?

Zarkon: Fine, fine. The “Care Bears” go to the screen and say, “Only you can help bring her back. Say “You care,” or something like that...but, c’mon! Is this not the most PATHETIC attempt at interactive TV you’ve ever seen?! I mean, if I knew this movie existed when Lotor was a little kid, I would have ordered all copies of it burned! It’s tripe, sedating “Happy happy joy joy” tripe!

Reyk: It was kinda funny how you were booing...

Zarkon: Despite my booing, like it mattered at all to the producers that the parents had to drive their bratty kids home, the girl “amazingly” came back to life! Oooh. But, THE WORST PART WAS THAT DARTH HEART DECIDES TO BECOME A HUMAN!

Reyk; It’s not Darth, it’s...ah to Hades with it...

Zarkon: I mean, please. A being with unlimited power is going to say, “Y’know, I think I’ll trade immortality and the power to do everything I want by becoming a pre-pubescent mutated monkey!” You know that when he has his mid-life crisis he’ll become a HEAVY drinker and start beatin’ on his family and stuff...or, what’s he gonna say to his kids when he tells him they can’t take the car...”You have to listen to me, I was the all-powerful Lord of Darkness once!”...and they’ll say, “You are soooooo lame, dad...now, where’d you say you put the keys?”

Reyk: Oh well, look at the time. Despite Zarkon’s ranting, I thought it was a delightful movie for children. I give it a “flame up.” (Breathes fire in the air.)

Zarkon: If you value your sanity and lives, people, you will keep all biological organisms away from this movie. I wouldn’t use it on the most rebellious of slaves...it’s too cruel...Thus, my rating, is a big “Empty Fire Extinguisher!”(empties the extinguisher on Reyk and his flame)

Reyk: (glares) I don’t like you.

Zarkon: It took you this long to figure that out?! That was for making me watch that crap.

Reyk: Until next time, everyone...