Reyk: Hello, everyone. Welcome to our latest edition of “Reyk’s Retro Reel Review.” With me is that infamous, iconoclastic cross-dresser, King Zarkon.

Zarkon: (shouts) It’s not a dress, it’s a robe!

Reyk: Okay, okay, fine. However, I think I will have Saoche pick you up a pair of pants; it’s been windy lately.

Zarkon: Maybe that’s because you FLY here, and are always running late. How ironic is that? A dragon that can see through time being a procrastinator.

Reyk: Oh, I’m sorry, Zarkon. I didn’t realize that this meant so much to you. And to think, your cynical belligerence is merely a facade.

Zarkon: I..uh..well...ermmm...ahem...well, you could at least use a ship or something. But then again, if you were late, you wouldn’t be able to blame it on the shifting jet stream.

Reyk: Someone’s been watching the Weather Channel.

Zarkon: That was a one-time thing! I accidentally fell asleep and my hand hit the button!

Reyk: It’s okay, it’s happened to all of us...

Zarkon: I’m a king! Don’t you think I have better things to do than watch weather patterns?!!

Reyk: Like falling asleep watching the tube...

Zarkon: (stares) (sighs) Can we just do this thing?

Reyk: But of course. Now, the movie we’re reviewing today is a record-breaking masterpiece of children’s fantasy. I am talking about “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone...”

Zarkon: As far as I’m concerned, they could’ve just called it “Pidge and the Nanny’s Kidney Stone...”

Reyk: Somehow, I don’t think that would’ve been a moneymaker...

Zarkon: I think it would sell...think of it as a documentary...

Reyk: While Zarkon is having his senile moment...

Zarkon: Hey!

Reyk: ...I will mention some background information. Harry Potter is actually descended from a prominent line of wizards. However, an evil wizard killed his family, but only managed to scar him on his forehead.

Zarkon: In the shape of a lightning bolt. Now, everyone, do it with me...”Oooooooo, ahhhh....”

Reyk: (chuckles) At any rate, Harry was sent to live with his “normal” uncle and aunt. Pretty much relegated to servant to them and his spoiled cousin, he is eventually summoned to the Hogwarts School of Magic to practice wizardry.

Zarkon: I loved the messenger. I tell you, being a tall person myself, there is nothing quite as inconspicuous as a nine foot giant with a six foot beard walking around. Hell, I’d even turn around and look. So, this ogre is strutting around his human suburban neighborhood, and everybody just goes about their own business? RRRrrrighhhhhttttt.....

Reyk: I have to admit that whole scene with his relatives reminded me of Pink Floyd’s the Wall Movie flick...just that surreal feeling...

Zarkon: You can’t have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat!!!

Reyk: Now I know who’s music collection to look through to find my album again...

Zarkon: Nah, that’s just what I used to tell Lotor when he was a kid; heh, heh, I’d have the cook load his plate with pounds of meat so I’d always get his pudding.

Reyk: You really are a dysfunctional dad, aren’t ya? Aren’t fat people supposed to be jolly?

Zarkon: I am NOT fat!!!

Reyk: No, you’re right; you’re not wearing a dress, you’re wearing a muumuu! It’s all coming together now...

Zarkon: (stares angrily)

Reyk: Okay, we’ll continue with the review...

Zarkon: Thank you.

Reyk: (mutters) Tubby...

Zarkon: (shouts) I have these huge ears!! Why does everyone automatically assume that I’m deaf?!! Where does that association come from?!

Reyk: Well, maybe it’s because you have some aquatic characteristics, and most fish have sans hearing, so...

Zarkon: So, you thought that you could just insult me while I’m standing two feet away?!

Reyk: (smiles)

Zarkon: (glares) Well, after the giant terrorizes Harry’s relatives into letting him attend the school, he leaves with him. Eventually, he’s on a train in a hidden part of a railroad station. And, do you know how you get to this secret station? A Retina Scan? No. A Blood Sample with a DNA check? Nope. A special electronic keycard? Guess again. No more ideas? I’ll tell you. You walk through a pillar. Yup. That’s right!

Reyk: It’s a lot like those Roadrunner cartoons where the Coyote would paint a tunnel onto a mountain, and the Roadrunner’d still be able to run right through the mountain, but when the Coyote would try it, he’d just smash into the mountain.

Zarkon: Hey, no one smashed into any pillars!!! That would’ve been at least entertaining to watch. Harry Potter, smashing his brains into each column, hoping eventually to smash into the “magic” one. Please tell me this was in the Director’s Cut!!!!

Reyk: Sorry, Zarkon. This was a children’s movie.

Zarkon: Damn! (snaps fingers) Well, maybe I can ask Hagar to conjure it up in the slave’s quarters. They’ll think it’s an exit and crash into the wall. AH HA HA HA!! Ahem (whispers into his digital recorder he whips out) Note to self: When asking Hagar to install magic portal, make sure to buy security cameras. No sense in doing this if I can’t watch it over and over again on disc...

Reyk: Actually, security cameras would be a good investment in general, but I digress. So, Harry eventually boards the train that will take him to Hogwarts...

Zarkon: I just love the name; where was it located, Chlamydia County?

Reyk: I will not dignify that remark. On the train, Harry meets his two friends...

Zarkon: Or, shall we say, “sidekicks”...

Reyk: At Hogwarts, there’s an orientation meeting of sorts where every freshman student has to wear this magic hat...

Zarkon: And not just any magic hat...a magic TALKING hat...

Reyk: ...yes, well, this hat, when placed upon the student’s head, announces which “house” they’ll be in...

Zarkon: Segregation by a limp hat that speaks in limerick...that should’ve been a red flag for everyone that their lives were gonna be a living hell from that moment on...

Reyk: Tell me, what would you do in that situation?

Zarkon: I would not put a talking hat on my head. How do I know it’s really a hat? Maybe it’s some alien parasite who only pretends to resemble a hat so that when you put it on your head it sucks out your brains and sends your life’s worth of information to the mothership...

Reyk: Zarkon, you’re overreacting just a little bit.

Zarkon: Do I look like someone who overreacts?

Reyk: Hmm...sounds like the first case of “omilonkapellaphobia.”

Zarkon: Oma-wha?

Reyk: The fear of talking hats.

Zarkon: Ha ha ha...

Reyk: Anything else about the movie you’d care to mention?

Zarkon: First off, I don’t care what anyone says, Harry Potter’s a wussy. There, I’ve said it. Now all the children can get mad. Ignoring the fact that he eerily looks related to that pre-pube Pidge, the kid barely did any damn magic in the movie. Okay, so he makes glass disappear. Ooooo...I can do that, too. It’s called using a hammer.

Reyk: He flies on a broom...

Zarkon: So? To catch what? A flying mechanical beetle? The only person who cast spells worth a damn was that chick with the nappy hair...but that raises all kinds of questions. I mean, the kids obviously weren’t allowed things like flashlights and lightbulbs...were brushes and conditioners denied too? It is a mystery to this day...

Reyk: Ah, you didn’t like the Magical Amish angle, huh?

Zarkon: What’s an Amish?

Reyk: Err, never mind. So, what did you think of Draco Malfoix?

Zarkon: Who, the Aryan Nazi kid? I dunno, I don’t care, really. They set up a rivalry, the kid’s Potter’s nemesis, that’s about it. Two and half hour movie, and that’s the amount of character development this got. I swear, Voltron’s had more plot development with robeasts than these two characters.

Reyk: Are you sure about that? I mean, that’s a pretty strong statement.

Zarkon: Well, wasn’t there one that wanted to adopt Pidge...wait, that’s THREE references in one edition. Kyence!!!

Kyence: (marches out) You rang?

Zarkon: What’s going on? Why do I have to mention you-know-who three times today? (whips out his script and points to it)

Kyence: Well, remember when you made that crack at the meeting about being twins lost at birth? I took it into consideration and went with it.

Zarkon: I think you’re just kissing ass to get some pictures because you’re too lazy to draw ‘em yourself...

Reyk: Uh oh...

Kyence: Oh, no, no, Reyk. I see how it is, Zarkon, I do. Uh huh, yeah, I do... (taps foot furiously)

Reyk: You got her mad, Zarkon...

Zarkon: So? Am I supposed to be afraid of her when I’ve conquered how many planets?

Reyk: Then why’s she calling the prop master?

(Kyence walks to Zarkon and stares.)

Zarkon: (stares back) What?

Kyence: .....

Zarkon: WHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTT?????

Kyence: (sneers)

Zarkon: Am I going too fast for you? Here, lemme try this... (curls his fingers in a demented manner)...

Reyk: Uh-oh...pissing off the webmaster’s a serious offense, Z...

Zarkon:...WH...HHH.....AAAA.......AA.....TTTTT.....? *spittle*

Kyence: Are you making fun of my uncle? That’s it, I’m gonna write a story about you waking up with a hangover and married to Hagar...

Reyk: *gasp*

Kyence: AND Nanny...

Zarkon: Oh COME ON!! (pauses) Well, I suppose any action is good action...and with TWO... (points to Kyence)...I accept your apology; you get on that Klyence...

Kyence: That’s KYence...and as for that, I’m making you impotent... (marches off)

Zarkon: (shouts) I’d like to see you TRY, Kleenex!!!

Reyk: Ahem, well to get back to things, how about the ending?

Zarkon: The ending? More like the anti-ending. That was the worst battle I have ever seen...and look who you’re talking to. I’ve seen it all...and I have never witnessed anything as anti-climactic as this. That retard’s insinuation that the Goth dude was the bad guy, when it was actually the stutterer with the turban!!!

Reyk: I hope people saw the spoiler warning...

Zarkon: Then, the BADLY special effects scalp starts talking to Harry, setting crap on fire, asking for some stone that spontaneously materializes in the kid’s pocket. Disregarding the laws of thermodynamics for one moment, I just wanna know why in the hell would they spend so much time and money on special effects, making people flying on brooms realistically, and then use some sub-par mask made in a sweatshop for the villain. And you know how the bad guy dies? Potter touches him. Yes, touches him. And the thing combusts. The explanation given was this: when the guy had blown away Harry’s mother, she placed a spell of protection on him; it was her love that saved him. You know what I think? I think it’s another example of writing a plot and not knowing how to end it.

Reyk: It was a long movie...maybe they were desperate to get it over with. But you see, Zarkon, this movie was based on a series of children’s books...

Zarkon: Children’s books? That means there’s more than one with this nerd?!

Reyk: Uh...yeah. And the whole thing was a phenom.

Zarkon: Yet another thing to add to my “Why I Hate Humans More Than Drules” List.

Reyk: I loved the movie. It was great for its time, and very close to the books.

Zarkon: Wait, you read the books, too? You have way too much time on your hands, buddy. Pick a countryside to terrorize or something. Steal some goats, burn down some houses. (takes out a map) There’s a lovely little knoll on Arus, and would you look at that, it happens to be right next to the Castle of Lions. Huh, isn’t that uncanny?

(Reyk glares at Zarkon, who smiles innocently.)

Reyk: I’m not becoming one of your robeasts and that’s final!

Zarkon: Oh, just one village, please???? I’ll give you back your discs if you do...

(The lights go dark)

Zarkon: What the...?

Me oh may oh my
I think I have a sty.
Oh wait, never fear,
that’s just the ear
of a big fat blue old guy...

Zarkon: Was that a rip on me?

(Lights go back on.)

Kyence: Heh, heh, don’t mess with the best...

Reyk: I have to admit, it makes him look years younger.