Reyk: Hello everybody! Welcome to the second edition of “Reyk’s Retro Reel Review.” With me is my eternal antagonist, Zarkon...

Zarkon: Hey...(waves hand unenthusiastically)

Reyk: What’s wrong?

Zarkon: I’m starved, that’s what’s wrong! Luckily, though, I happened upon these brownies (holds them up.) You get started while I eat these.

Reyk: Is that such a smart thing to...why am I warning you? Go ahead, wolf ‘em down!

(Zarkon happily, and sloppily, obliges)

Reyk: Now, for our review. This is a movie that was a hit when it came out...”Demolition Man.”

Zarkon: (gets up and walks offstage while saying) Great movie! I liked it! (hear rummaging noise in back)

Reyk: ...which featured Sylvester Stallone...

Zarkon: (walks back out with Cheetos, Doom & Gloom’s Robeast Raspberry Swirl, and the Universal staple: Chocolate chip cookies. He’s also got plenty of brownies left; his mouth is filled with one) Adwwiieennnee!

Reyk: Very dignified, oh mighty king.

Zarkon: I know you wish you were me... (takes a handful of Cheetos and pops it in his mouth)

Reyk: By the way, think you’ve brought out enough food?

Zarkon: I dunno...for some reason I got REALLY hungry...even more than before...get on with the review...

Reyk: At any rate, this movie was part comedy, part drama, and part action flick. Zarkon, what did you like the most about the movie? Besides the fact that guys wore dresses like yours in San Angeles...

Zarkon: Har-de-har-har (takes a bite out of another brownie) Well, at least I never “forgot” I was in human form and blew flames out my nose...

Reyk:(GASPS!) WHO TOLD?! SHAI!!!...

Zarkon: She’s playing backgammon with Hagar...that’s where I swiped the brownies from.

Reyk: (smoke comes out sides of mouth)

Zarkon: (starts giggling in a V3D way) Calm down, heh heh heh...ahem, I actually, uh, liked, ermm, uhh...who was that homeless “Friendly” guy? The one that ranted and lived in the sewers?

Reyk: Are you talking about Denis Leary’s character, Edgar Friendly?

Zarkon: (snaps fingers) YUP! THAT’S IT! (grabs the whole bag’s worth of Cheetos and gulps the contents down in one shot.) Ahhh, that hits the spot...yeah, I liked him. (giggle) He was all for goin’ psychotic and going against the grain...

Reyk: Oh? You mean kinda like you? (Until you sold out, he whispers)

Zarkon: DOES EVERYONE THINK I’M DEAF?! WITH THESE EARS?! (Looks down and sees reflection in metal counter)

Reyk: The movie centered around two main characters; Stallone’s character, John Spartan, and Simon Phoenix, played by Wesley Snipes.

Zarkon: (chuckling at reflection) Big ears! Big ears!

Reyk: (stares at Zarkon) What did you think of Phoenix?

Zarkon: (looks up) (giggle)(snort) AHHH HA HAHA HA!!! He was aha...so funny..(wipes tear from his eye)...comes out of a cryo freezer and escapes out of prison...what a bunch of weenies...(snort)(chuckle)

Reyk: (starts giggling a little, too) They were all pacifistic; against war and violence...

Zarkon: MURDER DEATH KILL! (chuckle) MURDER DEATH KILL!

Reyk: Gee, that’s a shocker, those words coming from your mouth?

Zarkon:...(sings) hot dogs, Armor Hot Dogs...

Reyk: I take it you’ve tried to adjust your own radio station to jingles?

Zarkon: Nooooooooooo....I want a hot dog...

Reyk: How ‘bout a rat burger?...

Zarkon: Don’t make me use the seashells! You...(insert various obscenities in various galactic languages)

Reyk: NNNGGHH! You have been fined one credit for violation of the Verbal Morality Statute...

Zarkon: (laughs uncontrollably) Spartan uses them to wipe his...(snort)...AHH HAA HAA...(giggle)

Reyk: You are acting WAY TOO WEIRD! EVEN FOR YOU!

Zarkon: Spartan kicks Phoenix’s head off when the liquid nitrogen spills and freezes him...(snort)... (falls down on the floor)...(giggle)

Reyk: (picks up brownie) What’s in this? (sniffs it) This smells very familiar.

Zarkon: (giggle) Hey! No dragon snot on my brownies! (giggle)(snort)

Reyk: I’m gonna start calling you Hordak in a minute...

Zarkon: You leave my grandmother out of this...AHH HA HA HA...I made a funny!

Reyk: (takes a deeper sniff) BAM! (pulls head back) Whoa! Aww, man, Zarkon!

Zarkon: (still giggling) What? Hee hee, I thought you liked Denis Leary...(giggle)

Reyk: HAGAR! BUTT! HERE! NOW!

Hagar: (magically appears) What is it, mighty dragon?

Reyk: Cut the centaur crap...what’s up with this?! (holds up a brownie that had not yet been devoured)

Hagar: Oh, that...well, Shai and I wanted to have a little fun, and loosen up...she even knew Zarkon would swipe some...

Reyk: (turns to Zarkon) Zarkon! These are HASH BROWNIES!

Zarkon: (stares glassy-eyed)

Reyk: Hello? (waves hand in front of him) Reefer, trees, weed, marijuana, cannibus, hemp...

Hagar: Hmm, you seem to know an awful lot about this...

Reyk: Do any of these ring a bell?

Zarkon: Ding-a-ling-a-ling?(giggle)

Reyk: So, this is what a high Drule looks like, then? And, I thought hash brownie highs were a myth...

Hagar: How was the movie?

Zarkon: I liked it a...a...a lot...(giggle)(snort)

Hagar: Tell me the stoner didn’t just snort...

Reyk: Did I just hear “For the Honor of Grayskull?”

Hagar: Well, I’m gonna take full advantage of this situation...

Zarkon: (runs up Reyk’s back) I ain’t THAT high... (looks down at Hagar)...oh, wait, I AM...AHH HA HA HA HA!(suddenly collapses)

Reyk: Okay, there, get off me now.

Zarkon: ZZZZZZZZ (snoring, but still has death-like grip on Reyk’s skin)

Reyk: Get off! Get off! (Starts running around)

Hagar: (levitates) I’ll get him off... (creates huge green laser-like buzzsaw)...just don’t move, and you’ll only lose a couple layers of skin...

Reyk: ONLY A COUPLE?!

Hagar: I can’t hurt my Zarkon...would you like to hold onto something...perhaps a seashell?

Reyk: GAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! (Takes off into the sky)

Zarkon: (still on back)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

(Hagar follows in hot pursuit.)

(See blue woman backstage, with bird-like creature that’s holding a video cam.)

Woman: Did you get it, Saoche?

Saoche: Yup, I got it all on tape. Hey, Shai, you think this’ll win you an award for Best Documentary?

Shai: Probably not. But, (folds hands together and bows like a monk) it’s the journey that’s important, not the destination.

Reyk: GAHHHHHHH!! Stay away!

Hagar: Just stand still!

Zarkon: ZZZZZZZZZ...seashells....ZZZZ