Reyk: Hello, everybody!

Zarkon: a..ahem...(in an uncanny impression of the Moviefone guy)...Welcome to "Reyk's Retro Reel Review!"

Reyk: Why Zarkon, I'm honored! (a mark of awe in his voice)

Zarkon: Well, you DID keep me away from Hagar...by the way, hope that wound heals quickly... (a genuine apologetic smile is flashed)

Reyk: (reaches around back and lightly touches his back) Yeah, I hope so, too...I can see Hagar did not major in plastic surgery to get her Bachelor's in Witchcraft...

Zarkon: If she did, you think she'd look like that?

(Both begin to laugh)

Reyk: Aha...aaha(wipes eye)...owww...(grimaces)

Zarkon: Awwww, there there, let's get on with the review...

Reyk: Alrighty then. There had been an unexpected turn to events this past weekend...how the whole process of this works is I come up with the movie to review, and I send out a funky lil' avian named Kyence to find it! Unfortunately, Kyence went ill...and this inspired me for a different film...

Zarkon:...and, guess who Reyk sent into the Blockbuster Video...

Reyk: You were SO funny! When they asked for your license, and you pulled off your crown and said..."How many friggin' beings you know wear a hat like THIS?!"

Zarkon: I didn't say "hat;" I said "crown"...

Reyk: Suuuuuurrrrreeeeeeee...

Zarkon: Well, in honor of Kyence, who can NEVER cook a decent burger might I add, we've decided to check out "Outbreak"...

Reyk: This movie featured an all-star cast, including Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo...

Zarkon: Let me just say, right off, that there were MANY flaws with this movie...

Reyk: (in a deep voice) Zarkon...is back...

Zarkon: First of all, how they spread this virus...now, I don’t know ‘bout you, but if I were handling bodily fluids of people, which, apparently have something wrong with it if I’m getting it to analyze, I sure ain’t gonna be listening to a football game...

Reyk: It might get boring..y’know...”Whoopee, I get to analyze MORE tainted blood...”

Zarkon: Then he should’ve become an interior decorator...but, still, he’s like “Yeah! TOUCHDOWN!...OWWW!” And, he doesn’t report this?

Reyk: You’ve got a point there...there were some flaws in the movie that decreased the realism in someway...like, how fast the anti-serum worked...

Zarkon: Was it a virus, or a bacteria? I don’t remember, and I really don’t care...

Reyk: Then, why did you ask?

Zarkon: Well, to establish serotypes; or strains, pick a vocabulary word for the day...at any rate, this virus was able to spread because it had a thicker outer coat of protein; if it evolved that so quickly, wouldn’t the receptors responsible for lysogeny be altered?

Reyk: Sometimes, I wonder about you...

Zarkon: Well, it wouldn’t work that quickly...and that completely...just for the sake of a “happy ending...”

Reyk: Then, I guess you were rooting for the Russo character to die...

Zarkon: Can you look at me and seriously ask that?

Reyk: Well, what did you think of the acting?

Zarkon: I did think the acting was good, though the characters annoyed me...to be honest, I really liked that Cuba Gooding, Jr....he had spunk...

Reyk: He lightened the mood at certain times...

Zarkon: But, to be COMPLETELY honest, the monkey should’ve gotten the Oscar...there’s nothin’ more I like to see than humans getting overthrown by the enslaved animals...

Reyk: I have two things to say...First one: HYPOCRITE!! And, second: you know about Oscars??

Zarkon: Oh no, I didn’t just say that, did I?

Reyk: I believe I’ve been making an impact on you...

Zarkon: What’s next? I start listening to N’Sync?! Oh no...how do I know about THAT?! Unnnhh...(lowers head on table) What did I do to deserve this?

Reyk: (stares at him) You really don’t know, do you?

Zarkon: (picks head up) At any rate, I got a kick out of that albino haired dude...

Reyk: The part played by Donald Sutherland...

Zarkon: He just wanted to bomb ‘em all...kinda reminded me of Lotor...

Reyk: Are you sure that’s the ONLY person he reminded you of?

Zarkon: Hey, I do NOT like to blow everything up...I like to make everything that takes up oxygen work for me (points at himself with his thumb)...

Reyk: Well, at least the archaebacteria are safe...

Zarkon: Not so...they make methane...and chill on the bottom of the ocean...

Reyk: Ahh, is THAT why Doom smells so lovely?

Zarkon: I will choose to ignore that...at any rate, the movie had promise, but ultimately, it got floundered in all happy-Prozac-Ritalin-happy-endings...it had some really good parts, like when the mother left her family to enter the death camp...that was poignant, that was touching...that was what I’d expect to see happen during an outbreak...

Reyk: While I agree that there were medical inaccuracies, I thought the movie did a good job of creating suspense. The happy ending also prevented moviegoers from hiding in their basements with gas masks and cases of Lysol...a la “War of the Worlds...”

Zarkon: I thought the dumb humans jumped out of their apartments, plummeting to their deaths...(mumbles)and they call me a bumbling fool...

Reyk: I give the movie a “flame up:” I don’t have a medical degree, so I enjoyed it without getting all technical...

Zarkon: And I give it a...(whips out fire extinguisher)...EMPTY FIRE EXTINGUISH.....

(hear empty fumes; no CO2 foam emerges)

Zarkon: What the?! KYENCE!! You forgot to refill it! First, you can’t cook a burger, an’ now this?!

(See Kyence walk out onstage, gripping stomach and holding tissue to nose)

Reyk: Uh oh...(titters)

Kyence: YOU WANT YOUR BURGER? HERE’S YOUR BURGER! (whips out burger, and hands it to Zarkon...) There you go...ah..ah...AHCHOO!

Zarkon: Ewww...nothin’ like mucous on dead cow to whet my appetite...I know, rather than let this go to waste, I’ll give it to Cossack!

Kyence: Fine. But, you better return that Outbreak on time...I ain’t payin’ for overdue charges just because you HAD to crank out a robeast on the due date...

Zarkon: I can’t believe I’m being ordered around by a parakeet...

Kyence: AHCHOO!

Reyk: Well, until next time, everyone!