Reyk: Hello! It’s hard to believe, but this is the Fourth installment of “Reyk’s Retro Reel Review.”

Zarkon: (merely staring blankly ahead. The bags under his eyes are more apparent than ever.)

Audience: CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP.....YEAH....WHOOHOO!

Zarkon: (bolts back, and blinks eyes) AH!

Reyk: You’re back from the land of the dead?

Zarkon: (glares at him)

Reyk: Alrighty then. Considering that this is still a new thing for the two of us, we’re gonna be trying a couple of new things. Like the studio audience I’m sure you’re aware of now.

Zarkon: (sarcastic) And I’m as pleased as peach...

Reyk: Well, everyone, the movie we are going to be talking about is a children’s film, once again...

Zarkon: And the LAST one we’re gonna be seeing for a LONG time, might I add...

Reyk: (smiles at Zarkon) C’mon, you know you liked Rainbow Brite...

Zarkon:(shudders)

Reyk: The movie Zarkon and I saw was “Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer.” It was a feature length film of the cartoon series that was popular in the United States of Earth’s 1980’s. Rainbow Brite and some friends had to thwart an evil princess who was after a planet that was actually a huge diamond.

Zarkon: pssh..and this diamond supposedly filtered all of the Universe’s light, diffracting it to all the planets; the princess chick is making this mega-net, covering it up. So, OF COURSE, this is BAAADDDD....

Reyk: Rainbow Brite, with her trusty steed, Starlight, and new friends Krys and On-X, thwart the princess’s evil plans...

Zarkon: Evil...why do you have to say evil?

Reyk: You CAN see that the Princess was going to destroy the whole Universe, don’t you?

Zarkon: So...she had a fetish...it doesn’t mean she’s evil...

Reyk:...

Zarkon:...she was a snob...

Reyk: (snickers) Thou art a jester, Z! But, you definitely got a point there. Did you see how she was stroking that huge emerald?

Zarkon: The girl had problems. I mean, Lotor’s got problems, but she’s got PROBLEMS. She was talkin’ to that thing...I know you mentioned some fad called ‘pet rocks,’ but I mean, c’mon! I was secretly hoping for the gem to hatch, and a huge monster would gobble her up, shortening the movie to a commercial’s length.

Reyk: I have only three more words to say about her...”New Wave Reject...”

(Audience laughs.)

Zarkon: I don’t know what “New Wave” means, but I do know what a Wonderbra is...and I can tell you, for all the wealth that redhead’s got, she should’ve gotten herself one...

(Half of audience laughs, while other half boos.)

Reyk: Oh, aren’t you the rotten one! (giggles)

Zarkon: Hey, I ain’t the one who drew her as a AAAAAA to the tenth power...

(Most of audience laughs)
Audience member: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Zarkon: The one thing I don’t understand is this...okay, the producers knew that there were some parents selfless enough to bring their kids to see this movie in the movie theater, right? So, why in the name of all the Evil Gods, do they begin this insipid movie with a musical number?! Do I really need to hear a horse with a lisp who’s probably voiced by a 600-pound pedophile sing about Spring? This movie makes that Cancer Bear thing I saw look like a theatrical masterpiece!

Reyk: Two reasons...first, since music often establishes the mood, they started off with a song that mentions how wonderful spring is, since the arrival of Spring to Earth is a crucial theme to this movie.

Zarkon: You put “theme” and “this movie” in the same sentence? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Reyk:(stares)

Zarkon: I didn’t like your first reason...what’s your second one...

Reyk: Rip-off of Disney.

Zarkon: THAT sounds more appropriate...

Reyk: To be honest, though, there was a couple of things about this movie that annoyed me as well...

Zarkon: YOU?! REALLY? C’mon, c’mon, vent...VENT!

Reyk: That On-X horse...okay, it’s a robotic horse, okay fine. When it crashed into Rainbow Land, it got a little bumped-out...fine. But, did it always have to talk like it was taking a drag every five seconds?! This is supposed to be a kids’ movie!

Zarkon: Reyk...if you were that voice actor, believe me, you would be taking hits instead of grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniels and an Uzi and shooting up a shopping mall...

Audience member: BOOO!

Zarkon: (mutters under breath) That guy is really starting to annoy me...

Reyk: So, Zarkon, what did you think about the character design?

Zarkon: “Attack of the Mongoloids.”

Reyk: HA HA HA HA HA!!!

(Audience laughs hysterically)

Zarkon: Did you see the size of those heads?! They were friggin’ huge! You could tell that it was a cartoon; their heads defied the laws of physics! I mean, in reality, Rainbrow Brite would have to save the Universe while pushing her head in a wheelbarrow!

Reyk: (laughs harder)

Zarkon: Oh...oh my God! Their HEADS! THEY’RE GETTING BIGGER! NOO!
(starts having flashbacks from the movie)

Reyk: Uhh...Zarkon?

Zarkon: The heads are HUGE! Ugggh...(curls up in fetal position)

Reyk: It’s okay, Zarkon (talks slowly and calm). The movie is over, the movie is over...

Audience member: YOU SUCK, ZARKON!

Zarkon: (immediately bolts up) Who said that?! Show yourself!

(Audience member stands up): I did!

Zarkon: What’s your name?

Audience member: Byte Me...

Zarkon: (snarls) Uh-huh, well, BYTE, let’s see where you’re from, shall we?

(Zarkon presses a button on the desk; a small needle shoots out at the audience member. It pierces his shirt, then retracts with some of his blood.)

Zarkon: Of course, I will now trace you and see where you’re from...(pulls out a laptop)

Reyk: And to think, Gattaca was an inspiration for all of this (raises his arms)...

Zarkon:...Hmm, Planet Moob. (Zarkon takes out small digital voice recorder.) Note to self...conquer Planet Moob.

Audience member: Ooohh noo, I’m so scared...Voltron’s gonna whip the snot outta...

Reyk: ENOUGH!!! (Shoots flames out at guy.)

Audience member: AAAHHH! (begins running around)

Zarkon: (jumps in front of him) Here here, lemme take care of that...(pulls out extinguisher and blasts guy with CO2 foam.)

Audience member:...(stands motionless, covered with foam)

Reyk: Well, that’s all the time we have for today.

Zarkon: Please don’t EVER let anyone see this movie! It brought down the American civilization!

Reyk: I wouldn’t say that...but I will say that I don’t think the studio audience should be brought back...

Zarkon: Really? I think I was starting to enjoy this gig...look, Reyk, you’ll fry a member when you don’t like the movie, and if I don’t like the movie as well, I’ll blast the guy with the extinguisher!

Reyk: And if YOU like the movie and I don’t?

Zarkon: (pulls out a bag of marshmallows, a can of Hershey Syrup, and a box of graham crackers from under his robes) Koom-bayy-yya campfire!

Reyk: You are too sick. (Turns away from Zarkon. Then, quickly snatches the marshmallows and runs offstage.) I wuv deees maaarsshmaallloowss. (stuffs ‘em all in his mouth.)

Zarkon: (stares at audience. dead silence.)

Audience: cough cough

Zarkon: Well....guess he found out where the brownies were...

(Audience begins roaring in laughter.)

Zarkon: Well, until next time everyone!