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There's Something About Mary |
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PRIOR TO THE SHOW... Lotor: Hmm...this third one says that Allura was gonna be here... (Looks around.) Lotor: Allura? Allura.... (Suddenly, you hear a door slam. The noise of a locked door is heard.) Lotor: What the? Reyk: I really can’t believe you fell for this... (leaning on the side wall, swinging a keychain around his index finger.) Lotor: Oh, no! The DRAGON?! How did you know... Reyk: Well, Lotor, let’s just say you lack the fine art of subtlety...but, your dad came up with the idea for the notes...I didn’t think you were gullible enough... Lotor: I am NOT amused...speaking of which, where IS my cross-dressing father? Zarkon: I HEARD that. (Zarkon enters from other side. Walks to Reyk.) I may look like I’m cross-dressing, but at least I don’t follow a trail of insipid love notes...and, uh, Reyk... (rubs his thumb and forefingers together) Reyk: (sighs) Here ya go. (Slaps a fifty into Zarkon’s awaiting hand.) Lotor: You made a BET?! Zarkon: Now, now, the moment is past. But, since you’re here...(smiles an evil grin)...you get to partake the human theatrical experience... Lotor: (runs to door.) Help! Anyone! Reyk: (walks over to Lotor and scoops him up under one arm.) It won’t be so bad. Zarkon: You’ll appreciate my heritage a billion times more when this movie’s over, I assure you... Lotor: Aww, man, Rake, your pits stink! Reyk: It’s “REYK!” (squeezes Lotor tighter) Zarkon: Consider this a dose of tough love, Lotor... (All three enter the screening room.) The show begins... Reyk: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the fifth edition of Reyk’s Retro Reel Review. With me always is King Zarkon of Planet Doom... Zarkon: (waves hand) ‘Sup? Reyk: I see someone stole my ebonics tapes... Zarkon: Why you buggin’? Reyk: (curls back) You are starting to frighten me... Lotor: He’s just starting to frighten you now?! Zarkon: Calm down, you two. Jeez, you guys can’t take a joke? Reyk: And, as you can tell by now, our special guest today is the one, the only, Prince Lotor... Zarkon: And, yes, folks, he’s related to me... Lotor: What’s that supposed to mean? Zarkon: Oh, nothing...(looks away) Reyk: Well, rather than delay the review any further, we shall now discuss our film: There’s Something About Mary. Zarkon: (stifles a chuckle) (Both Lotor and Reyk look at him.) Reyk: What’s wrong? (Zarkon waves away, gesturing that he’ll say it later.) Reyk: Anyway, this movie stars Cameron Diaz, Matt Dillon, and Ben Stiller. It’s a romantic comedy. Lotor, would you like to say what the movie’s about? Lotor: (looks at him) I guess it wouldn’t hurt...after all, I am the only one with charisma here... (Both Zarkon and Reyk glare at him.) Lotor: This story pretty much centered on this Ted human, who had fallen in love with a beautiful girl named Mary when he was younger, but had never gotten a chance to really form a relationship with her... Zarkon: (whispers to Reyk) I see he’s been listening to those self-help tapes I got him... Lotor: He’s goes on this quest to find her again, but...gets sidetracked several times along the way... Zarkon: (giggles) FRANKS AND BEANS! Reyk: (stares) Lotor: (stares) Zarkon: (looks at them) I couldn’t contain myself...I love that Warren character...plus, I love that crack Healy made about a kid named ‘Mongo’...(snickers) Lotor: Wasn’t Mongo the name of a Drule general, or somethin’? Zarkon: Yup. That’s why it’s so funny! Makin’ it up to impress Mary, since her brother’s retard... Reyk: Ahem...be politically correct, Zarkon... Zarkon:...FINE, ‘chromosome anomalied’... Reyk: (pulls out a dictionary) Is that even English? Lotor: You asked him to be politically correct; I don’t think he’s gonna get any closer than that... Reyk: Sadly enough, I have to agree... Zarkon:...so, Healy fabricates this whole identity...and mentions how his passion is takin’ care of “special children”, and keepin a kid Mongo in a cage...(giggles) Reyk: As Zarkon has already implied, several men are also vying for Mary besides Ted, and go through fraudulent lengths to win her love...so, Zarkon, was there anythng about the movie that bothered you? Lotor: My Dad, the perpetual complainer? I’m sure of it... Zarkon: Heh heh heh...VERY creative...My Son, the perpetual smart-ass...actually, I liked the movie a whole lot. I love raunchy humor...there’s just too many things to mention here... Reyk: Just say a couple then. Zarkon: Okay, I’ll summarize it to a couple of things...kid zips his gonads up on prom night...seven minute abs vs. eight minute abs...dog on barbituates, resucitated with a lamp...dog on speed, tries to make a eunuch out of Ted...HAIR GEL! (Reyk, and even Lotor, snicker.) Zarkon: Now, for my pet peeves...I HATED that guy who sang the song at every friggin’ pivotal point in the movie! I’m glad he got shot at the end! Lotor: So was I! Reyk: And I! (All three give a unified high five.) Zarkon: For the other thing...I drew too many parallel lines while watching this movie... Reyk: How so? Zarkon: Do you realize that all we have to do is replace Cameron Diaz with Allura and Ben Stiller with Lotor and you have almost the same story? Reyk: Minus the hitchiker and the dog, of course... Zarkon: If Allura owned a dog, I could picture the Voltron Force tossin’ speed in dog treats to sabotage Lotor’s date... Reyk: There is one thing we’re forgetting... Zarkon: (looks intrigued) Do tell... Reyk: In the end of the movie, Ted gets Mary...THAT would have to be changed, of course... (Both Reyk and Zarkon start laughing.) Lotor: Laugh now, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh when Allura and I are walking down the aisle, hand in hand! (Reyk and Zarkon laugh even harder.) Lotor: What’s so funny about that?! Zarkon: (wipes tear from eye) Just the word “denial” comes to mind... Lotor: Denial?! You...you’re saying I have denial? You, who thinks he’s gonna conquer the Universe when he can’t even take over a planet out in the boondocks?! AH HA HA HA HA! Zarkon: (noticeably agitated) Oh yeah? Well, at least I don’t expect to marry some chick when she doesn’t even return my phone calls...oh man, Reyk, you should hear this stuff, it’s sad, really it is... (Reyk leans forward as Lotor snarls.) Zarkon:(mocking Lotor, but in a high, whining voice) A...about that time I had that robeast crush your village...I didn’t mean to...It's all my Dad...I'm a wussy-boy who can't stand up for myself...I love you, Allura... Lotor: Now I find out you’re screening my calls, too?! Zarkon: Have you even seen how huge those monthly bills are for long-distance?! Lotor: (grunts) Zarkon: Who’s the one who pays all your bills? Who’s the one who pays for your ship..AND your soldiers, AND your harem...AND your hair extensions... Lotor: (lunges straight up out of chair) I DO NOT HAVE HAIR EXTENSIONS! Zarkon: Just checking to see if you were listening... Reyk: Well, it looks like the eternal struggle of father vs. teenage son is about to ensue once again... Lotor: I am NOT a teenager! Reyk: (sighs and rubs temple with fingers) That’s all we have time for today, folks...Now, I’m off to take an Advil... (Zarkon and Lotor start pushing each other; Zarkon momentarily has Lotor in headlock.) Zarkon: I just...want...to say...the...movie was REALLY funny!...I truly...recommend it! (Lotor twists out of headlock and pulls Zarkon’s cape over his head.) Reyk: Did I say AN Advil? I meant a TRUCK full of Advil. (Suddenly the guitar singin’ guy from the movie appears on stage.) (Reyk walks up to guitar guy, and accidentally steps on him.) Reyk: (looks down.) Uh oh...(yells out)...CLEANUP ON THE SET! (gets tossed a towel and some Windex.) Reyk: (insert four letter word of your choice here.)! (Zarkon and Lotor are rolling around on the floor; Zarkon has a hand full of Lotor’s hair, while Lotor’s got a fist full of Zarkon’s skirt...I mean, robe...) |
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