(See Choralers on the set.)

Chorus: Deck the halls with boughs of holly...Fa la la la laaa...

Zarkon: Get off the set! Your public access Xmas crap-a-sing-along is over! (aims lazer.)

Head choraler: Don’t you have any Christmas Spirit?

Zarkon: "Chr..ist..mas...Spi...rit?" I’ve heard those syllables, but never in that sequence...

Reyk: Please, you’ll have to excuse my co-host...

Zarkon: Are you singers part of a cult? Is there a hidden message in your songs if you sing ‘em backwards?!

Reyk: Easy, there, fella. See, they’re getting off the set so we can do our show...

Zarkon: Hmmmph.....

Reyk: Uh-oh...was the camera rolling on that altercation?

(Camerman nods as he rolls his eyes.)

Reyk: Oh well. At any rate, welcome to the sixth installment of my Retro review. Since the Christian humans are celebrating their annual holiday of Christmas, we decided to review a holiday movie...

Zarkon: ONLY the Christians...and people call me racist...

Reyk: You’re not racist...(pats Zarkon on head).

Zarkon: That’s right! I enslave anyone!

Reyk: That’s not something you should be proud of....

Zarkon: My moral structure has been designed and refined through years of experiencing the various situations that can arise to organisms pertaining to this Universal collection of carbon....

Reyk: Were you doing egg nog shots again?

Zarkon: Yeah. I came up with this drinking game...you put a lot of rum in egg nog, and you watch Monday Night Football...every time Dennis Miller said something irreverent, Cossack took a shot...everytime Miller said something pertaining to football, I took a shot...

Reyk: Is that how Cossack ended up with alcohol poisoning?

Zarkon: Yup...but I ain’t one to talk, so you ain’t heard that from me.

(An homage to In Living Color- Kyence)

Reyk: At any rate, the movie we saw was "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

Zarkon: Ugghh...

Reyk: I guess you’d like to start...

Zarkon: Yes...but first, let me check something out here...

(pulls out Webster e-dictionary and types in ‘Christmas.’)

Zarkon: Okay, according to Webster, Christmas is, and I quote, "a holiday in the Christian religion celebrated on the 25th of December commemorating the birth of their Savior, Jesus Christ..."

Reyk: Uh-huh....

Zarkon: So...how come I never got any of that from this "holiday" movie? No...all I saw was people wrappin presents with ugly paper, only to rip it off...I’m for the whole theory of "All things must revert to a chaotic state," but c’mon, it’s such a waste...

Reyk: Can you please say something about the movie, Zarkon"

Zarkon: Okay, in the "Grinch" one, right? That guy should replace Cossack as my drinking buddy...he’s just as confused as he is...

Reyk: What do you mean?

Zarkon: He’s a hermit...a quiet guy who lives in the mountains...all he wants is peace and quiet....but every friggin’ year, those mutations in "What-ville," Shoe-ville, or whatever-the-hell ville get around in a pseudo-hippie circle and sing up an annoying storm...that could drive anyone insane...

Reyk: Pseudo-hippie?

Zarkon: (points finger up in air and says matter-of-factly) A hippie would never chop down a tree and then desecrate it with foreign objects solely for ornamental purposes...

Reyk: O...okay...

Zarkon: So, the Grinch decides to steal everything so that the next day, everyone will be crying instead of singing homicide-inducing songs...

Reyk: I wondered, though...it would still be noisy...just a different kind of noise...

Zarkon: Yeah, but by making them miserable, they would see how bothersome their singing was to him...

Reyk: Y’know, your thought process scares me more than the idea of a robeast doing the Macarena...

Zarkon: But, the narrator was like "Oh, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch..."

Reyk: That wasn’t the narrator, that was Tony the Tiger...

Zarkon: OH, and your thought process isn’t frightening to me?!

Zarkon: Anyway, when that little girl-insectoid-thing catches him...he doesn’t do anything to her...He could’ve slapped her and said "YOU SHUT YO’ MOUTH BITCH!" or "IF YOU TELL ANYONE, I’LL KILL YOUR PARENTS"...but he gets her a glass of water and puts her to bed...now, is that such a bad guy?!

Reyk: Maybe not...I’m glad he got the part and not you...but, you know he returned everything he stole in the end and joined them...

Zarkon: I was TRYING to block that out! And, for the record, the ONLY reason I didn’t get that gig is because I was blue...they needed somone green for the whole "jealousy" symbolism...

Reyk: Were you willing to be spray painted green?

Zarkon: I did!...But, I had an allergic reaction...

Reyk: (peers into time.) *snicker* *chuckle*

Zarkon: What?!

Reyk: You grew BREASTS?! THAT was the allergic reaction! *chuckle* I guess that explains your choice of attire...

Zarkon: YOU TOLD! I’LL KILL YOU! Macarenadon, come forth!

(See gigantic robeast burst onto set, gyrating wildy.)

Reyk: You really suck, Zarkon.

Sound: Doooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(Bars appear on screen in a lovely off-kilter pattern.)

Speaker: Sorry, we are experiencing technical difficulties.

(Scene shift to Castle of Lions.)

Hunk: Man, the reception on the TV is off! (goes up to TV and slams it.)

(TV screen shows a football game on screen.)

Dennis Miller: That shot was so maganimously arrogant, like Rasputin at a Rave party declinin’ Special K ‘cause he knows pressure points...

Lance: Hey! Let’s try that drinking game to finish off the Christmas Evening!

END.
Happy Holidays, everyone!