Reyk: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the latest edition of “Reyk’s Retro Reel Review.” With me is my esteemed colleague...

Zarkon: ...Zarkon!

Reyk: Mmhmmm. Now, today we are reviewing a gem called “Coming to America.”

Zarkon: Yup.

Reyk: (arches an eyebrow at Zarkon) It stars Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, James Earl Jones, and others...

Zarkon: Uh-huh.

Reyk: (stares at Zarkon) It also features Zarkon’s mom in an infamous porn scene...

Zarkon: Yup...

Reyk: (looks at Zarkon) Okay, now I KNOW you aren’t listening...

Zarkon: That WAS a funny scene!

Reyk: Or are you? (arches neck and sees a small device in Z’s ear.)

Reyk: AH-HAH! (pulls out the ear piece.)

Zarkon: Hey! What the HELL?! I was watching that!!

Reyk: (looks at the ear piece, then at king) “Watching,” huh? (Blows some smoke into Zarkon’s eyes)

Zarkon: Ahh!! Ow! I TAI! (eyes water; he wipes ‘em)

(A contact lens drops to the desk.)

Reyk: So, THIS is where my prototype went? (presses his fingertip to the lens, and picks it up.) Saoche!

(Saoche walks onto the set with a special case.)

Reyk: Here. Put it back. (Saoche places the lens in a special capsule. She then takes the ear piece as well.)

Saoche: I got it.

Zarkon: (still rubbing eyes.) HEY! I want my 100-spot back then!

Reyk: (turns to Saoche) What does he mean by that, Saoche?

Saoche: Uhhhh...gotta go!

(Saoche zooms out.)

Zarkon: Cheap pr...

Reyk: Easy, there, my kleptomaniacal friend. I can see you really didn’t want to do this today...

Zarkon: Gee, ya think?

Reyk: I’m glad you liked it...I took your advice and decided to use my time-peering ability to see cutting-edge stuff and market it a little earlier...

Zarkon: I’m flattered. Bet all you viewers out there didn’t know this ol’ dragon owned a corporation, did ya? (points at Reyk) I can tell ya, every CEO is eccentric...

Reyk: I’m not eccentric...

Zarkon: Reyk! You are a dragon that watches movies made by a bunch of dead humans AND you own a company...face it, you’re a kook.

Reyk: Let’s get back to the review (thinks: You wear a muu-muu and I’m the eccentric one...)

Zarkon: Well, the movie’s plot is simple enough: A prince wants to marry a girl he loves, not someone his parents picked for ‘em...so, he travels halfway around the world to find her...

Reyk: In Queens, NY...

Zarkon: The chick his parents picked for him was...how can I put this...a total Nubian airhead...uh-huh, yeah, I think that sums it up!

Reyk: All she did was do and like WHATEVER Prince Akeem liked or ordered...he didn’t like this.

Zarkon: Yeah! He ordered her to bark like a dog and hop on one foot! AHHH HA HA HA HA!!!

Reyk: I can only imagine what you would do in this situation...

Zarkon: Oh, I would have her do a LOT more, heh heh heh...

Reyk: I would ask what, but then we’d have to broadcast on HBO or Spice...

Zarkon: I’ll tell you later, then. Ahem, at any rate, Akeem doesn’t want the girl of his dreams to love him only for his money, so he slums it, and works at a Mc Donald’s rip-off while dragging his friend, Semmi, along.

Reyk: He ends up falling for the owner’s older daughter; problem is, she’s in a relationship with a rich man, and the dad doesn’t want her marrying some small-time employee.

Zarkon: (rolls eyes) Oh, how ironic...it is funny, though, how her dad’s tune changes when Akeem’s father and mother actually go to Queens to find Akeem, and bump into the Dad...who played him again?

Reyk: I believe his name was John Amos.

Zarkon: And, the guy who played the king...his voice seemed so familiar...I know I’ve heard it before...

Reyk: Well, James Earl Jones played the King...he was also the voice of Darth Vader, Mufasa, and he did Yellow Book and Verizon commercials...

Zarkon: I dunno; he sounds like my ATM machine...

Reyk: (snaps fingers) How could I forget that? His voice has also been programmed into every ATM in the galaxy!

Zarkon: Humans are weird...

Reyk: The movie ends happily, with Akeem marrying the girl he truly loves, Lisa.

Zarkon: That was all nice and sweet and happy...but, I loved the scenes in the barber shop the best. The characters that were done there were great! (laughs and slaps knee)

Reyk: “Will ya just taste the soup?!”

Zarkon: “All right! I’ll taste the soup! Where’s the spoon?!”

Reyk: “AH Ghaa...he he he..ah Ghaaa!”

Zarkon: Then the other guy just stares at him! And when they talk about two boxers...lemme toss this out...there was a lot of racism in Earth’s past, wasn’t there?

Reyk: Sadly, yes.

Zarkon: Damn! I should’ve been born a thousand years earlier! It would’ve been so much easier to conquer a world divided!

Reyk: I believe a lot of people feel the same way about Planet Doom. (pats Zarkon on the head.)

Zarkon: So, to conclude, I would say that this is a decent movie to watch; an “eh.”

Reyk: I think that the movie was a terrific comedy! Everyone, go see it!

Zarkon: Yeah, now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to watching my program...

Reyk: What WERE you watching, anyway?

Zarkon: I don’t know...it’s kind of uncanny, really. Apparently it was a very old signal that’s been travelling in space for some time...it was about a bunch of teens who drove five lion ships that look suspiciously like Voltron’s...only, they called it “Golion” or somethin.’

Reyk: REALLY?!

Zarkon: (shrugs) Yeah, but it’s in some forgotten language. I was trying to follow it...maybe get some pointers...

Reyk: OH! I’M SO HAPPY! THE PROTOTYPE WORKS!

Zarkon: Huh?

Reyk: It’s not a TV receptor, Zarkon, it’s a tachyon manipulator that allows the viewer to see into other dimensions! You just saw an alternate universe!

Zarkon: (stares) (twirls finger in air) Whoop-de-doo, Mr. Eccentric. Very funny. You must think I’ll fall for anything!! (walks offstage.)

Reyk: Zarkon, I’m serious!

(The sound of a deployed fire extinguisher is heard, along with a high-pitched screech.)

Saoche: My money! Gimme back my money! Where are you going with the case?!

Zarkon: Finders keepers!

Reyk: Well, that’s all the time we have for today See you again soon!