Reyk: Hello, everyone! Welcome to our latest edition of my review! To my right is the infamous, incorrigible, King Zarkon.

Zarkon: (gives a saluting gesture) And, yes ladies, I’m single. (winks)

Reyk: (holds hand to ear) Do I hear the beginnings of a mid-life crisis?

Zarkon: Mid-life? Maybe that explains why no one proofs me at clubs...

Reyk: Well, you may have forgotten, considering that you haven’t been to one in...

(Zarkon clamps Reyk’s mouth shut.)

Zarkon: Uhh, let’s just start with the movie critique.

(Zarkon releases Reyk’s maw. Reyk adjusts jaw.)

Reyk: *sigh*...353 years...

Zarkon: (growls)

Reyk: Now, the movie we shall discuss today is “Bedazzled.” It is a remake of an earlier 20th century movie of the same name, featuring Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley.

Zarkon: Was Satan a chick in the original?

Reyk: Nope.

Zarkon: Well...that explains the remake.

Reyk: So, I take it you liked Lizzie’s role.

Zarkon: Please, if some all-powerful God of Evil would give me seven wishes, and looked like that, you can bet what my first wish would be...

Reyk: Destroy Voltron and become ruler of the Universe?

Zarkon: Yeah, that would be two and three, though if the plot was any indicator, Old Scratch would’ve had some fun messing ‘em up.

Reyk: So, what would wish numero uno have been for you?

Zarkon: Well, some Almighty Succubus like that must be great in the sack, and...

Reyk: Oookaayy, we shall depart from the “Dirty Old Man with an unnatural obsession towards women” routine for now before the censors unleash Blazing Swords into our butts. What did you think of Brendan’s role?

Zarkon: Annoying. The character was such a...what’s that word...a putz. Yeah, I think he played the loser with a great deal of accuracy. You have to admire that...well, unless he was a loser in real life, then it wouldn’t be much of a stretch..so Reyk, was he a loser?

Reyk: I am not even gonna dignify that with a response!

Zarkon: AH, so you don’t know. So much for your time-sight.

Reyk: At least my wardrobe isn’t someone’s maternity line.

Zarkon: Er-her, aren’t we a clever little lizard? So, since you’re such a Fraser defender, tell me, what was your favorite part of the movie?

Reyk: Jeez, you make it sound like I’ve got a crush on this guy or somethin.’ I enjoyed watching this guy get screwed over by the Devil...especially when he wishes to be more sensitive...(giggles)

Zarkon: (smiles) Yeah, that was funny...every time he looked at the sunset, he started bawlin’ like Lotor lookin’ at Allura’s photo.

Reyk: You have a way with similes, Zarkon.

Zarkon: What about when he wishes to be a basketball star, and she made him a complete moron with a teeny-weeny...(pinches his fingers close together, with an inch of space between them)

Reyk: (quickly cuts in)...how about his first wish to be all-powerful, and she makes him a Columbian drug lord? That was hilarious!!

Zarkon: Especially when he speaks Spanish and Russian without even realizing it! If only it was that simple...

Reyk: “No thank you, I’m allergic to shellfish...”

Zarkon: I bet every one of the actors had fun in this movie; all of Brendan’s “friends” were in each of his wishes, in different outfits and hairstyles.

Reyk: Very true. I wonder how many colored contact lenses and cases of hair dye they had to go through?

Zarkon: My favorite character was, without a doubt, the Devil. And, MAN, was she hot!! Why can’t I get a hot babe who also wields unimaginable power? No, I have to settle for someone’s great-grandmother.

Reyk: Hagar was pretty cute, until you somehow transformed her into the great-grandmother.

Zarkon: All I did was point out a couple of obvious things, and (snaps fingers)

Reyk:...she qualifies for Medicare...

Zarkon: Exactly....what is Medicare?

Reyk: Nothing important. The movie does end with Brendan retaining his soul, and, while not getting the girl of his dreams, does find someone of interest...

Zarkon: No, it’s not Satan. But that did bother me.

Reyk: What did?

Zarkon: The fact that he kept his soul. I mean, who in their right mind would place a deal-breaking clause like that in a contract?! And, let’s not forget that Liz claimed that Brendan’s pre-contract wish for a burger and Coke constituted one of the seven wishes. SO, if she can go over his head like that, why the HELL would she honor a contract with some clause like that in it?! It’s totally out of character!!! It doesn’t make any sense!

Reyk: It’s a movie, Zarkon, not the Bible.

Zarkon: Yet one more example of compromising the plot for a happy ending. I’m beginning to see that this happens way too often in human cinema.

Reyk: If you want tragedy, Zarkon, you go to the opera.

Zarkon: Seeing people running around with pointy helmets and some fat lady belching out trills...

Reyk: I often wonder why I even bother talking about culture with you...

Zarkon: If you ever get me hammered enough to sit through one of those, make sure I have a Porterhouse to toss at the singing Shamu...

Reyk: (sighs) Well, I give “Bedazzled” a big two flames up. (Breathes fire in the air.)

Zarkon: I liked it, despite the lousy ending, but, I’d rather notice these crappy ends than become desensitized to ‘em, so I give it a big “Empty fire extinguisher!!”

(Zarkon shoots out the CO2 foam, but Reyk pulls up a hidden plastic sheet, protecting himself.)

Reyk: Ha ha!

Zarkon: *grumbles*