Reyk: Hello! It is my greatest pleasure to bring you “Reyk’s Retro Reel Review.” With me is the ever-cynical, King Zarkon. Zarkon, why don’t you tell newcomers what we’re all about?

Zarkon: (sighs) Basically, we see movies made by humans, and point out their shortcomings. And there always are shortcomings.

Reyk: Wow, that was very succinct of you. Now, the movie we’re discussing today is “Battlefield Earth.” It features John Travolta and Forest Whitaker as a race of aliens that conquered Earth close to a thousand years before the start of the movie...

Zarkon: ...and they enslaved the humans, Bwha ha ha ha!!!

Reyk: Ahem, at any rate, it took one human being to bring about their destruction.

Zarkon: But, let’s get down to the bottom of it all...overall, it was Johnny’s fault.

Reyk: I knew you were gonna say that.

Zarkon: Well, it was. He was a disgruntled employee trying to get back at management. Of course, that was his fault, too. He screws some high official’s daughter, and ends up being ordered to stay at Earth another “50 cycles.” And, Earth has as much appeal as a floater in the john for this guy...

Reyk: (shudders) ugggh, thanks for the lovely visual...

Zarkon: ...he gets totally wasted in the bar, carries out three drinks, wakes up with a hangover, and decides to mine Earth for a material that his officials never heard of...gold. How utterly ironic...humans thought gold was valuable, too once, and he’s gonna bootleg it across the Universe...get it??? Er-her...*crosses his eyes*

Reyk: By the way, if you think this was a liberal interpretation of events, trust me, you DO see John get wasted and carry out three drinks. Very non-conventional.

Zarkon: I am NOT a liberal!

Reyk: (pats him on the head) I know you’re not.

Zarkon: Well, anyway the guy then decides to have humans be taught to use the mining technology since he’s a greedy lil’ bastard and doesn’t want any other, er, I think they called themselves, “Tricycles,” in on it. Only this one other knew, and Johnny boy basically just insulted him throughout the movie, calling him a moron and everything else.

Reyk: First, it’s “Psychlos,” Zarkon, Psychlos. And, you say they’re “lil’?” Zarkon, those aliens were taller than you!

Zarkon: So? They aren’t REALLY tall; it’s just a bunch of Scientologists on stilts.

Reyk: You’ve heard of Scientology? I’m surprised.

Zarkon: Yeah, in my earlier days I’d conquered this planet where that was the main religion. They tried explaining it to me, but I couldn’t understand it. Even now, all I can associate with it is Dianetics. That’s really all that stuck.

Reyk: So, what happened to the planet?

Zarkon: I brought in a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses as slaves...but those were mediocre at best...had an innate tendency to knock on rectangular objects, offering pamphlets.

Reyk: Hmm, you’re biased tendencies are astounding.

Zarkon: (gestures toward self) This is me. Love me or hate me...better yet, hate me. It’s a tax write-off.

Reyk: So, I see that you’ve figured out that this movie is based on one of Ron’s books...

Zarkon: (shrugs) I guess.

Reyk: So, anything else about the movie you want to point out?

Zarkon: Yeah...I’ve noticed a cosmic trend of late...any race that declares themselves superior gets their home planet blown up. I mean, the Huffys were like that and boom, the humans learn to teleport a guy carrying a nuclear bomb to the home planet.

Reyk: I’ll clarify that the reason one nuclear bomb could detonate an entire planet was due to their planet’s atmosphere being very noxious...

Zarkon: The Drules were like that, and their planet’s dust now....

Reyk: Didn’t Planet Doom get blown up?

Zarkon: (points finger up matter-of-factly) That was a FAKE Planet Doom!!!

Reyk: So, I take it you don’t like Drules very much?

Zarkon: Uggh, I hate them bigoted Drules...Purple albinos are better my big beautiful blue ARSE!!!

Reyk: Now now, Zarkon...

Zarkon: (breathing heavily) I’m good, I’m good, it’s passing, 10..9..8..7..

Reyk: I thought that the whole concept of teaching one human everything to the point of knowing the ins and outs of Psychlo technology was a bit much...

Zarkon: I’ll say...I knew what was gonna happen...all that Psychlo “humans are morons” mentality while they were handing the monkey the shiny red button!!! Hell, I could’ve told these guys, “HEY! Humans are veeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy resourceful. Trust me, trust me...teach a dog, not a human...but then again, they thought cars were dogs...friggin’ retards...so superior and they think a Pinto’s sentient?! Please, Cossack could’ve conquered those cyclones with a hatchet implanted in his brain!! No wonder a bunch of hairless apes microwaved their home planet!!! But, I digress...beware of humans, no matter how stupid an alien you actually are, that’s all I’m trying to say...

Reyk: Give an inch, they take a mile, right Zarkon?

Zarkon: Finally something we agree on!

Reyk: The movie was an interesting one, though something I wouldn’t pay to rent; I’d watch it if it was on HBO or something, but that’s about it.

Zarkon: And I think watching this movie is worse than seeing Hagar remove blackheads in a negligee!! So, here’s a bunch of foam for (aims fire extinguisher at Reyk)...

*KNOCK, KNOCK*

Reyk: Uh-oh...

Zarkon: (hides behind Reyk) Tell them we don’t need any stinkin’ pamphlets!!

Note: All religious slurs and insults aimed at the mentally handicapped are the opinion of King Zarkon and do not reflect the opinions of any other members of this site. No Jehovah’s Witnesses were harmed in the making of this edition. Only Cossack was harmed tripping over his cape as Zarkon tried to impale his head with a hatchet while telling him to conquer cycles.